my toughts on the christmas song

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, (I don't know what chestnuts are but this doesn't sound safe)
Jack Frost nipping at your nose, (I would prefer for Jack Frost to keep his hands to himself)
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, (I sang in a choir while I was in college)
And folks dressed up like Eskimos. (I've never seen a real Eskimo)

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, (Once again, I've never seen real mistletoe, only fake mistletoe that people hang in their houses because they want some action)
Help to make the season bright. (Like the life-changing lights)
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow, (We don't have children yet so I can't attest to this next sentence)
Will find it hard to sleep tonight. (My family always opened presents on Christmas eve and I never had a problem falling asleep)

They know that Santa's on his way; (I prefer for strangers to stay away from my house)
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh. (In Brazil he comes in a helicopter)
And every mother's child is going to spy, (Why do they need to spy if the kids are asleep?)
To see if reindeer really know how to fly. (No, they don't)

And so I'm offering this simple phrase, (I don't know if 4 lines are considered "simple")
To kids from one to ninety-two, (One-year-olds actually have a lot in common with 92-year-olds... including their usage of diapers)
Although its been said many times, many ways, (And in many languages)
Merry Christmas to you