imaginary conversations

I had to run to Target last night for a few last minute things (I swear I've been to the grocery store more times this week than I normally go in an entire month). After getting everything I needed, I went made my way to the checkout stands. Seeing the massive lines made me want to abandon my cart and just drive home, but I had already spent all that time getting the "last" of the things I would need for our Christmas feast and I didn't want to have to do it again. So as I stood there waiting for my turn, I had the following conversation in my head:

Me: This is absurd! It is December 23rd, everyone in the entire state of Utah has last minute items to purchase, and the geniuses at Target have decided to only have 6 checkout stands open. I need to find a manager.
Manager: Yes miss, what seems to be the problem?
(You can tell this is an imaginary conversation because I haven't been called MISS in years... everywhere I go, everyone calls me ma'am... and it offends me because I'm not that old).
Me: As you can see, sir, there are only 6 checkout stands open. I have an important party to attend and this 20 minute wait is going to make me late.
Manager: Well, you see, this is deliberate on our part. We only open a few checkout stands because it encourages shoppers to spend more time browsing and purchasing the candy and random knickknacks we have at so conveniently placed under their noses.
Me: Oh yeah? Just for that I'm returning the $10 Mossimo beanie that I was going to buy to put in my husband's stocking. In fact, I've been standing around here for so long that I might have to rethink ALL of my purchases. Maybe I should return the ____________ (this item cannot be revealed at the moment) that I bought for my husband too... and those martini glasses! I know that your intention is to make people buy more things, but the longer I stand here and look at my basket filled with things that I don't really need, the more I am likely to just start removing items from my basket and placing them in your conveniently-placed crap display.
Manager: Well I'm sorry to have caused you such problems. Is there any way we can make it up to you?
Me: Probably not.
Manager: Please, we need your business. How about if we offer to pay for your entire purchase tonight AND as an incentive for you to come back again, we'll give you a $500 gift certificate?
Me: Make that $800 plus new furniture for my house and you've got yourself a deal.
Manager: DONE!